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Have You Tried Turning It Off and on Again Similar Quotes

Written By Tuesday, 17 May 2022 Add Comment Edit

The IT Crowd (2006–2013) is a British comedy written by Graham Linehan. The comedy follows Jen, Moss, and Roy and their work in the Information technology department, based in the basement of Reynholm Industries.

Serial i [edit]

Yesterday's Jam [i.i] [edit]

Roy Trenneman: [picking up the telephone] Howdy, Information technology. Have you tried turning it off and on over again? Uh... okay, well, the push button on the side, is it glowing? Yes, you lot need to turn information technology on... uh, the push turns information technology on... aye, you practise know how a push button works don't y'all? No, non on apparel.
Maurice Moss: [picking up the telephone] Hello, Information technology...Yaha... Accept you lot tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
Roy: No, no there you go, no there you go. I just heard it come up on... no, no, that'south the music you heard when it come up on... no, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry, are you from the past?
Moss: Encounter the driver hooks a function by patching the arrangement phone call table, and so information technology'southward not rubber to unload information technology unless another thread's well-nigh to jump in at that place and practise its stuff, and you don't want to stop upwards in the eye of invalid retentiveness! [chuckle] Hello?
Roy: Oh really? And then why don't you come down and brand me and so. Huh, what yous think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You lot can come downwards here any fourth dimension and I'll be waiting for y'all! [slams downwardly phone] I told her!
Moss: You had a job?
Roy: [coyly] Girl on 5th.
Moss: Did you hit it off?
Roy: Ascertain 'hit information technology off'.
Moss: Did she proceed talking to you lot after you'd stock-still her computer?
Roy: No. And while I was working, she rested a cup on my back.
Moss: No!
Roy: Yep! (shows a cup mark on his dorsum) I mean, they take no respect for us upward there! No respect whatever! We're all just drudgeons to them!
Moss: Yes! If at that place were such a affair as a drudgeon, that is what nosotros'd be to them.
Roy: It's like they're pally-wally with united states when at that place's a trouble with their printer, but once it's fixed—
Moss: They just toss united states away like yesterday'south jam.
Roy: Yeah! Yesterday'due south jam. That is what we are to them! Actually, that doesn't work every bit a thing, considering, you know, jam lasts for ages. Hello It. Accept you tried turning it off and on again?

(Moss and Roy are discussing Jen Barber)

Moss: Did you notice how she didn't even go excited when she saw this original ZX81?
Roy: Yes, that was weird. Information technology's almost as if she doesn't know anything about computers.
Moss: What?! (Drops mug)
Roy: What're you doing?!
Moss: Oh, don't worry. That's why I e'er make ii cups of tea. (Picks up another mug) Anyway, what were nosotros talking well-nigh?
Roy: Her non knowing anything nigh computers.
Moss: WHAT?! (drops mug)

(Jen has calmed downwards and walked out a woman who was beating Roy with a shoe)

Moss: Chairman Wow! You merely defused that unabridged situation!
Jen: What state of affairs? (Sees Roy on the floor) Oh, yes that. Wow, does that happen often?
Moss: They're adequately regular, the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly chirapsia.
Roy: Oh, information technology's not that bad.
Moss: Come on, it's pretty bad.

Calamity Jen [1.two] [edit]

TV Advert Narrator: [Voicing an Emergency Services ad] Has this ever happened to you lot? [The erstwhile woman on the advert twists her ankle and falls down stairs, gets up and falls down second flight of stairs before picking up her phone and trying to punch 999] From today, dialing 999 won't get you the Emergency Services, and that'south non the only matter that'southward irresolute! [upbeat music starts, followed by close-ups and shots of new emergency vehicles and team] Nicer ambulances, faster response times and better-looking drivers hateful they're not simply the Emergency Services, they're your Emergency Services. And so, remember the new number! :[upbeat voice singing to jingle] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short suspension] 3! That's [number is repeated in similar mode whilst the old woman dials the number and waits]
Old Adult female: Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble.
Moss: [watching the advertisement] Well that's easy to remember. [singing in a similar style to the advert] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [short interruption] 3.
Roy: [listening to Moss, speaking with his rima oris total] I don't run across how they couldn't just keep it as information technology was. How hard is it to recollect 911?
Moss: Y'all mean 999—
Roy: Yes, yeah, I hateful 999! Aye, I know.
Moss: That's the American one, yous berk!
Moss: [holding a fire extingusher that is on fire] I'll put this over hither, with the rest, of the fire.
Moss: [dialing] 0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 [hums the remainder of the numbers] 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which land am I speaking to? Hello? Hello? [pauses for thought] I know... [sits down in front of the calculator] Subject field: Fire. "Dear Sir\Madam, I am writing to inform yous of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." No, that's too formal. [repeatedly presses backspace] "Dearest Sir\Madam. Burn down! Exclamation marker. Fire! Assertion mark. Help me! Exclamation mark. 123 Clarendon Road. Looking forrard to hearing from y'all. All the best, Maurice Moss."

Fifty Fifty [one.3] [edit]

Roy: How do you know about this site?
Moss: Oh, I'm a member.
Roy: Actually? You do the whole Lonely Hearts affair?
Moss: I'g a 32 year erstwhile IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!
Roy: Shut up, exercise what I tell you, I'm not interested; these are only some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care well-nigh anyone but myself. P.Southward. No dogs!
Moss: That's skilful.
Roy: What's yours?
Moss: Mine doesn't look whatever skilful now.
Roy: Go along.
Moss: I'thousand going to murder you... You bloody woman!
Roy: Might want to play a scrap hard to get.

The Red Door [1.4] [edit]

Roy: [singing] We don't demand no education.
Moss: Yep you exercise. You've just used a double negative.
Moss: You've got to assistance Roy! [Sees Richmond and points at him] Richmond'due south out of his room, he's not in his room, he'south supposed to exist in his room, why is he out of his room?
Jen: Well, he'south going to come up out and play with us for a while.
Moss: Only, the rainforest, and...
Jen: What'due south wrong with you, Moss?
Moss: Roy'south stuck underneath a lady'south desk.
Jen: [laughs] What, however?
Moss: Look, I know that unremarkably this would be very funny, but he's been under there also long for a reasonable explanation! If that adult female looks down, she's going to assume he's a desk-rabbit!
Jen: What's a desk-rabbit?
Moss: I just made that up! But that's probably what they're gonna starting time to call people like Roy. But Roy's non a desk-bound-rabbit, he's my best friend, and unless you do something, it's just going to be yous, me, and Tim Burton over there! [he points at Richmond, who looks offended.]

The Haunting of Bill Crouse [1.5] [edit]

Roy: If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.
Jen: Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?
Roy: [sarcastically] No, afterward! Of class, before! Why would I do information technology after?
Roy: While he was eating, did you lot hear anyone laughing? Similar... in the kitchen area?
Jen: Yes! Aye I did, actually, yes I did.
Roy: That'd be trouser food!

Aunt Irma Visits [ane.half-dozen] [edit]

[telephone rings]
Roy: [picking up] Hello, It, have you tried turning information technology off and on again?...have you lot tried sticking information technology up your arse? [hangs upwardly] Ohh...yeah, yeah. I merely realized that was my mother.
Jen: I've got Aunt Irma visiting.
Moss: Oh, exercise you lot not similar Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that. [Roy and Moss look dislocated]
Jen: It's my term for my time of the month.
Roy: [understanding] Ohhhh.
Moss: What time of the calendar month? The weekend?
Jen: No.
Moss: Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: You know, it'due south "loftier tide".
Moss: But we're not on the coast.
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I'm "closed for maintenance"!
Moss: Closed for maintenance?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I've fallen to the communists!
Moss: Well, they exercise have some compelling arguments.
Roy: [frustrated] Carrie, Moss! Kickoff scene in Carrie!
Moss: [finally agreement] Oh. Okay. [walks out of the room; embarrassed.]
Jen: Okay. Moss, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Moss: Smartie cereal.
Jen: Oh my God, I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.
Moss: They don't. Information technology'due south simply Smarties in a bowl with milk.
Roy: I am a human being, he's a human, we're men!
Jen: Okay, tell me how yous're feeling.
Roy: [softly] I feel fragile... and bellyaching, and... I think I'm ugly! [crying]
News Reporter: (on 'Aunt Irma' riots) The rioting has been going on all night. The men involved are young, angry, and near all of them work with computers. In Tokyo, 2 games designers went on a binge in a shopping centre and frightened a dog. In Hamburg, a group of software developers shouted at a bus.

Series 2 [edit]

Work Outing [2.i] [edit]

[Jen, Roy, and Moss are looking at a affiche for Gay: A Gay Musical]
Roy Trenneman: "A gay musical", called Gay. That'due south quite gay. "Gay musical?" Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.
Maurice Moss: Information technology got some pretty expert reviews. [Pan to "The Audition Applauded" - The Evening Informer; "More Than Tolerable" - The London Repeat"; "Not As Long As Some Musicals" - The Banner.]
Jen Barber: [reads from the poster] "A story of a boyfriend trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years. Warning: includes scenes of graphic homoeroticism."
Moss: Oh no! Information technology's set in the 80s!
Roy: Graphic homoeroticism? [turning to Moss] Does that mean they're going to get them out?
Jen: Y'all're not comfortable with your sexuality?
Roy: Oh, I'g very comfortable with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face up with their sexuality.
[Jen is continuing in the lobby at the theatre. Three people in wheelchairs come in. Roy is one of them. He is existence pushed by the Theatre Manager]
Theatre Manager: He'southward had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair.
Jen: [shocked] Did you see who information technology was?
Roy: Carmine-bearded man.
Jen: Uh-huh... How long have yous been disabled?
Roy: Ten years?
Jen: X years, and how did information technology happen? If that'due south not a rude question.
Roy: ...Acid.
Jen: What are the chances?
Roy: 100 to i.
Theatre Manager: What happened?
Roy: [meekly] I'm disabled.
Theatre Manager: How?
Roy: How what?
Theatre Manager: Yeah, how are yous disabled?
Roy: Uhh, Leg disabled.
Theatre Manager: Do you have a wheelchair?
Roy:...Yep.
Theatre Manager: Well, where is it?
Roy:...Stolen.
Theatre Manager: How did they get in?
Roy: [breaks down] I don't know...
Jerome: [sees grouping of disabled men] What...? Oh, I become it. Very funny, you lot Irish! [laughs; mockingly] "Oh, I'm a bit tired. Tin I have a wheelchair as well?" Ha ha, HILARIOUS! "Oh, me legs don't work! Assistance, help! I need a wheelchair!" [goes over to a disable man; tries to pull him off] Come on, come on, get up. Come on, stop messing effectually! That a go. [tips wheelchair over; disable man falls off]

Render of the Gilt Kid [ii.two] [edit]

Denholm Reynholm: When I started Reynholm Industries, I had merely 2 things in my possession: a dream and six 1000000 pounds. Today I have a business empire the like of which the world has never seen the similar of which. I hope information technology doesn't sound big-headed when I say that I am the greatest man in the earth!
Moss: Unbelievable! Some brainiac disabled his firewall, meaning all the computers on floor Seven are teeming with viruses, plus I've just had to walk all the way downwards the motherfudging stairs, considering the lifts are broken again!
[Jen comes out of her function, visibly shocked.]
Jen: [stunned] Oh my God.
Roy: What?
Jen: Oh my God.
Roy: What is it?
Jen: Denholm's dead!
Moss: [suddenly remembering] Oh yep—and Denholm'southward expressionless!
Derek Pippen: [talking about Denholm'southward funeral] You lot practise know we're burying a great homo today!
Roy: [shocked] Did someone else dice?
Jen: There'south Denholm'due south wife...
Moss: I never know what to say to people at funerals.
Roy: Me also. I'm terrible.
Jen: Just say you're sorry and move on. [To Denholm's wife] He'll be in our prayers.
Roy: [to Denholm's wife] I'm sorry for your loss. Move on.
Moss: I'm pitiful for your loss.
Mrs. Reynholm: Thanks.
Moss: Information technology'south not like y'all've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse. Would you like a pen? I have a spare one.
Mrs. Reynholm: No thank you.
Moss: Delight accept it.
Mrs. Reynholm: Why are you giving it to me?
Moss: I don't know. [easily her the pen] Swings and roundabouts.
Douglas: Where is your God?! Where is your God now?! Here, lies a great man. A great man! FAAAAAATTHHHHEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!
Douglas:Speak, priest!
Douglas: Serenity, woman!

Moss and the High german [ii.3] [edit]

Narrator: You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. Yous wouldn't steal a baby. You wouldn't shoot a policeman. And and then steal his helmet. You wouldn't get to the toilet in his helmet. And then send it to the policeman'southward grieving widow. And and then steal information technology again! Downloading films is stealing. If yous exercise it, you will face the consequences. [FBI team member bursts in behind the girl downloading the motion picture and shoots her; cutting to a pool of claret on the keyboard]
Roy: [sitting with Moss in a dark room] Man, these anti-piracy ads are getting actually mean.
Roy: Yeah, I don't like people.
Jen: Oh, well at present that's non fair Roy. Have you lot met all of them?
Roy: I've met enough of them. People. What a agglomeration of bastards!
Jen: Oh, Jorg, Jorg, such fire! I am too tired for revolution…and nosotros've walked 4 f*cking miles.

Dinner Party [2.4] [edit]

Jen: If this evening is going to piece of work in any manner, you demand to pretend to exist normal people, aye? Continue the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about retentiveness, or RAM.
Moss: Retentivity is RAM!
Richmond: Accept you got any absinthe?
Jen: No.
Richmond: I merely drink absinthe.
Jen: Absinthe, no. Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg...
Richmond: Oh Carlsberg, perfect.
Roy: Peter, what's your electronic mail address?
Peter: Oh, it'southward filepeter@hotmail.com.
Roy: "filepeter"? Why "filepeter"?
Peter: Well, File is my second proper name.
Roy: Oh, right, I see. Peter File.
Moss: Who'southward a paedophile?
Roy: No no, his name is Peter File.
Moss: His proper noun is paedophile?
Jen: [angry] Don't say it like that. It sounds like "paedophile."
Moss: Isn't that what he just said?
Jen': No, Peter File.
Moss: [enunciating] Paedo phile?
Jen: Peter File!
Richmond: Who's a paedophile?
Jen: No ane is.
Moss: [finally understanding] Correct. It just sounds similar paedophile.
Jen: No, no, it doesn't!
Moss: Does a fleck. Peter File.
Roy: Peter File... Yeah, no, it does.
[There are murmurings of agreement from the rest of the tabular array as everyone starts pronouncing it themselves]
Peter: [exasperated] YES, I SUPPOSE Information technology DOES!
[silence]
Jen: I didn't noticed, so...
Peter: It doesn't bother you, does information technology?
Jen: No, of form information technology doesn't. [leans in for a kiss]
Moss: They say "pedophile" in America. Maybe you should move to America.
Jen: [shouting] He'due south not moving to America!

Smoke and Mirrors [2.5] [edit]

John: I don't think that's true.
Jen: With all due respect John, I am the caput of Information technology and I take it on skilful authority that if you type "Google" into Google, yous tin can break the Cyberspace. Then please, no i try it, even for a joke. [the executives express joy] Information technology's not a laughing thing. You can break the Internet.
Roy: Is this another 1 of your inventions?
Moss: Might be.
Roy: What was the last 1? Oh yep. A ladder, to help moths escape from the bathroom. How is that useful?!
Moss: How is that not useful?
Roy: Moths don't get stuck in baths!
Moss: Yes. They. Practice!
Roy: Even if that were truthful, it's but not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder! They have wings! When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last affair they would think of! Moss, I don't similar to exist negative virtually it, but everything you invent is worthless!
Moss: Ah! Well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas marker "egg on your face up"! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.

Men Without Women [2.6] [edit]

Douglas Reynholm: I like you, Jen. You don't ask questions. A lot of people would be confused as to why I invited them up here then asked them to leave, not you. A person's got to have a lot of courage to allow herself to be ordered around similar that. You've got spunk and balls, and I similar that in a adult female.
Douglas: Oh, not these idiots!
Jen: Mr Reynholm, the men in the It department are my friends, they're non idiots. [Moss and Roy walk in without their trousers]

Series 3 [edit]

From Hell [three.1] [edit]

Douglas Reynholm: I tin't seem to become it open.
Roy Trenneman: You lot want me to open information technology. That's why you called me all the style upwards here, to open your laptop?
Douglas: I would be beholden to you.
Maurice Moss: Well, if someone called me a "big, ugly architect", I'd be furious - and not just because I'yard actually an Information technology consultant. Revenge, that would be uppermost on my mind: "I'g going to wee on everything. I'yard going to taint her home. I'k going to strain my personal potatoes throughout her premises."
Douglas: Hell'south horses!
Roy: [Interim as Moss's teenage bullies] Overnice spectacles!
Moss: Not as nice as your momma'southward spectacles!
Moss: [Chasing teenage bullies around the park, with Douglas' grandfather'southward revolver] I got a gun! I got a cerise gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a flipping gun! I got a motherflipping gun! I got a female parent flipping gun! [spins the gun in his hands as he goes back to the demote, sits down and places the gun next to him]

Are We Not Men? [3.2] [edit]

[Repeated chat]
Moss: Did y'all run into that ludicrous brandish last night?
Postman: What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early?
Moss: The thing almost Arsenal is, they always try and walk it in!
Postman: Yeah it is truthful. See you later, Moss
Moss: Heed 'ow you go.
Moss: But promise me we won't do anything else with them. I want to go back to beingness weird. I like beingness weird. Weird is all I've got. That and my sweet fashion.

Tramps Like Us [3.iii] [edit]

June: What does Information technology represent?
Jen Barber: What does it stand for? What doesn't it stand up for?
June: Aye, yes, but what does it stand for?
Jen: Information technology stands for, it stands for commitment. It stands for audacity. It stands for courage in the face of-
June: Yes, yes I can run across what you're getting at, but the specific letters "IT", what do they stand for?
Jen: What do y'all call back they stand for?
June: No, no, perhaps I'thousand not making myself articulate. I'm non looking for an interpretation, I really don't know what the letters actually correspond. So, let'due south showtime with the I. What does the I stand up for?
Jen: I... demand... to... [nervously laughs] wee wee.
Douglas: [being shocked by his anti-harrassment device] But I'g not aroused, it's merely cars! God damn these electric sex pants!
Douglas: Yous there, computer homo. Gear up my pants!
Moss: Beg your pardon?
Douglas: Pull downwardly my trousers and do your job!
[Moss, highly concussed, is amusing himself with an anglepoise lamp. Phone rings]
Moss: Hello, Roy speaking.
Jen: [on telephone] What? Moss? You're still concussed, you need to see the medico.
Moss: Who is this? Roy? Await, it couldn't be Roy, I'g Roy.
Jen: Await, what does Information technology mean?
Moss: What?
Jen: It, what does I.T. mean? Someone's but asked me.
Moss: Yous don't know what it means?
Jen: No, I never idea to ask.
Moss: This must exist Jen!
Jen: Yes—
Moss: Hello Jen!
Jen: Howdy!
Moss: How may I aid yous?
Jen: Tell me, tell me what Information technology means.
Moss: Absolutely. [break]
Jen: Well?
Moss: Very well, thank yous. How are you?
Jen: Moss, please just stay with me, but for this simple question okay? What—
Moss: Jen, I'thousand merely going to put you on speakerphone, all right?
Jen: No no no, don't hang upward—
Moss: [hangs up] Jen, you are now on speakerphone. [pause] Jen? Howdy Jen? [phone rings] Jen, can you behave with me ane moment? I've got someone trying to go through in the other line. [picks upwardly] Roy speaking.
Jen: You just hung up on me.
Moss: Jen, can you concur on one second? I've got Jen on the other line.
Jen: No! Don't—
Moss: [switches lines] Jen, tin I telephone call you back? I've just got Jen trying to get through on the other line. [switches lines] Jen, distressing about that. Phew! Chicken in a basket, information technology has been all cerise go today! Now how may I assist yous?
Jen: What does IT mean?! You know, computers? Something to do with computers probably?
Moss: Computers? That'south not actually my area. Jen, I'd love to aid you lot but, it's a real pain, I seem to have forgotten absolutely everything I know about computers.
Jen: How tin you forget everything you know about computers, Moss?
Moss: Let me see, maybe it isn't everything. [thinks] No, it's definitely everything.

The Speech [three.4] [edit]

[Jen looks at a small blackness box, which has a small red LED calorie-free on the pinnacle. Moss stands adjacent to her.]
Jen: What is it?
Moss: This, Jen, is the Internet.
Jen: What?
Moss: That's right.
Jen: This is the Cyberspace? [Moss nods.] The whole Net?
Moss: Yeah. I asked for a loan of it, so that y'all could use it in your speech.
Jen: It'south so small-scale!
Moss: That's one of the surprising things about it.
Jen: Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything...
Moss: [rolling his eyes] It's wireless!
Jen: Oh, yep, everything's wireless these days, isn't it? So I can really employ it in my speech? What if someone needs it?
Moss: Oh no, people will all the same be able to get online and everything; it'll still piece of work.
Jen: Oh, good.
Moss: I tell yous: you nowadays this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response.
Jen: Can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box upwards] Ooh, it's and then lite.
Moss: Of course it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything!
Jen: [laughing] No, no, of course it doesn't!
[Roy enters the room]
Roy: [agitated] Hey! What is Jen doing with the Net?
Jen: Moss said I could employ information technology for my speech.
Roy: Are yous insane? What if she drops it?
Jen: I won't driblet information technology, I'll await subsequently it!
Roy: No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [He takes the box from Jen] No, this needs to go direct dorsum to Big Ben.
Jen: Big Ben?
Moss: Yep. It goes on top of Large Ben. That's where you lot get the best reception.
Jen: I promise I won't let anything happen to it.
Roy: No, Jen, I'm sorry. [Jen becomes woeful] The Elders of the Internet would never stand for it.
Moss: Oh no, I spoke to the Elders of the Internet not ane 60 minutes agone. I told them virtually Jen winning Employee of the Month, and they were so impressed, that they wanted to practice any they could to help.
Jen: [suspiciously] Wait a minute, the "Elders of the Internet"!? [shocked] The Elders of the Internet know who I am!? Y'all've got to let me have it!
Roy: No, Jen, I'm sorry, it's just as well risky!
Jen: Oh, delight, Roy!
Roy: [resignedly] Well, Moss, has it been completely demagnetised?
Moss: By Stephen Hawking himself. [to Jen] He sends his congratulations, by the way.
Roy: Well, if information technology's okay with the Hawk...
Jen: And so, tin I take it?
Roy: You can.
[Roy and Moss dramatically give the box to Jen, reminding her to selection her speech up and carry the box advisedly. Every bit soon as she leaves the room, Roy and Moss dance happily]
Douglas: Apr, these past few days take been like a dream. Usually, I tin can't wait to get away from a woman once I've ejaculated, just with you... I don't know, I feel live. April, I dear you.
Apr: What?
Douglas: That's correct, I totally love the bloody arse off y'all.
April: Oh, Douglas! I honey yous too!
Douglas: Oh, poppet... to recall when we met, you lot were so worried that you came from Iran.
April: ...what?
Douglas: When nosotros met, as if I'd be worried about something like that! I don't care where you're from; Islamic republic of iran, France, doesn't bother me. I'grand very mod
Apr: I'chiliad not from Iran!
Douglas: Well, you said something along those lines.
April: No, not Islamic republic of iran, a human! I said I used to exist a human being!
Douglas: You used to be a human...?
April: Yep!
[Douglas grips April very tightly]
Douglas: OH GOD...
[During Jen's speech]
Shareholder: Is it heavy? [indicates the box]
Jen: [laughs] That's a bit of a silly question. The Cyberspace doesn't weigh anything!
Indistinguishable shareholder: Fucking idiot!

Friendface [3.5] [edit]

Moss: My mum'southward on Friendface! My mum! I've opened up another line of communication with her!
Roy: Isn't that a skillful matter?
Moss: She'southward listed her "current mood" as "sensual"!
Roy: Why didn't y'all just not take her friend request?
Moss: What are you lot, an animate being?
Roy: Oh no, it'due south all coming dorsum to me now. She used to slap [brand-up] on with a trowel.
Jen: [applying more lipstick] Why don't women accept the conviction to know that less is more?
Roy: Then, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.

Calendar Geeks [3.half-dozen] [edit]

Jen: Why are you doing this?
Roy: Same reason I practice everything, Jen: to accept sex with a lady.

Serial 4 [edit]

Jen the Fredo [iv.i] [edit]

[Moss talking about Mysterious Music]
Maurice Moss: Does this sound mysterious?
Jen Barber: Yeah, yep information technology's quite mysterious.
Moss: I was hoping for "cherry-red mysterious".
Jen: Mr Reynholm, I don't need to remind you lot of the study that denounced Reynholm Industries every bit an institutionally sexist organisation.
Douglas Reynholm: Now, y'all concur on a minute, sugar-tits!
Jen: [regarding a female character in a Dungeons and Dragons game] Await at those fun bags!

The Concluding Inaugural [4.2] [edit]

[Moss bursts into the office]
Moss: I did it! I did it! I've been accustomed!
Roy Trenneman: [in disbelief] No!
Jen: What's going on?
Moss: I've been accepted! I practical, and they said yes!
Jen: Who said yes? What are you lot talking about? Moss... Moss, y'all're shaking!
[Smash cutting to the ready of Countdown, with Moss sitting behind a desk-bound]
Moss: Consonant, delight.
Moss: Information technology actually already is a word, Tnetennba.
Jeff Stelling: Good Heavens really? Could you lot, erm, utilise information technology in a sentence for us?
Moss: Expert morning, that'south a nice Tnetennba.
Moss: I came here to beverage milk and kick donkey. And I've just finished my milk.
[The 8+ Society are playing Street Countdown]
Harold Tong, aka "Prime": Eighteen letters, I've never seen so many... he is the One.
Roy: [incredulously] What are you...
Prime: Shh! This is the longest discussion however on Street Countdown! Unlike normal Countdown, yous meet—
Roy: I don't intendance.
[The eight+ Lodge finish an acapella version of the Countdown music]
Prime: Negative One?
Negative One: Twelve.
Moss: Sixteen.
Prime: Your discussion, Negative I.
Negative One: Bigness.
Moss: I shall give my answer, if I may, in the course of a joke.
Prime: This is most irregular...
Moss: What do you telephone call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
Prime: I don't know, what exercise you call Negative One sitting lone in an empty room?
Moss: Overnumerousness!
Prime: Gyles?
[Pan to Gyles Brandreth in a makeshift Dictionary Corner]
Gyles: Yes, that is a give-and-take! And the joke does make sense!

Something Happened [4.3] [edit]

[Douglas is presenting an advertising for "Spaceology"]
Douglas: Space: what is it? The unproblematic answer is, nosotros don't know. Or at least we didn't know until now. Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm, and I'm not a scientist, but I practise have a better understanding of what space is than any scientist living today. Where did I gain these insights? From this man, the founder of Spaceology. Beth Gaga Shaggy — no relation to Lady Gaga or Shaggy — is the founder of Spaceology, a religion, non a cult. In other words, when information technology comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight. This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago.
Beth Gaga Shaggy: Space is invisible mind dust, and stars are but wishes.
Douglas: I mean, think about that! That means every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true. And they've come true considering of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking. If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology centres all over the UK. If that doesn't convince yous, well, then, maybe you just don't deserve to get what you lot desire.
[Photographic camera changes to Roy and Douglas watching the advertising on Roy's reckoner]
Douglas: Wow. You're a genius, Ray! Love the special effects! How did you lot exercise that affair where I'm spinning around?
Roy: Well, in that bit, you're actually spinning effectually.
[Roy and Jen are at a Sweet Billy Pilgrim gig]
Roy: I'thousand going to go dance at the front.
Jen: Aren't yous a bit old for the front?
Roy: I'thou 32!
Teenager: Good for you, mate!

Italian for Beginners [iv.4] [edit]

Jen: [greeting the Italian guests] Viennetta... Fiat Punto.
Roy: At that place was a burn...at a Sea Parks?
Moss: [trapped inside of claw crane toy vending machine] These toys may aroma of wee, come up the morning time.

Bad Boys [4.v] [edit]

[Moss and Roy are walking downward the street]
Moss: Oh my gosh!
[Moss runs forward and kneels downwards]
Moss: It'south a robot!
[Camera zooms out to show a bomb disposal robot]
Moss: I've never seen i in the wild before. Where did you lot come from, fella, huh? Where 'd ya come from? Can nosotros go along him, Roy? Only if he doesn't belong to anyone.
[Jen is request Roy for help with her laptop]
Jen: Someone told me I need a browser on my computer. Could yous install one, please?
Roy: You don't have a browser on your comput- [notices a chiming racket] What is - what is that audio? Is that coming from your laptop? It's non supposed to sound like... [goes round and sees that Jen's laptop is infested with malware] What the- what's all that crap!? [points to one] How long has that been - I haven't seen that one since the nineties! [goes to pick it up] Oh, Jen, I have to fix this.
Jen: [grabbing it dorsum] No, no, leave it. I have it how I like it.
Roy: "How you like it!?" No no no, Jen, it'southward infected. If this was a man, I'd shoot information technology in the face.
[The estimator decision-making the bomb-disposal robot has crashed]
Moss: What kind of operating arrangement does it utilise?
Police force: Err... it'due south... Vista!
Moss: We're going to die!
Roy: [quickly] Have you tried turning information technology off and on once more?
Constabulary: What?
Roy: [quickly] Accept yous tried turning it off and on over again?
Police force: ...what?
Roy: [agitated] HAVE YOU TRIED...TURNING Information technology OFF, AND ON AGAIN?!
Jen: [shrieks, then turns to the Police] I just won 100 quid.
Roy: Balloons explode, Jen. They explode of a sudden, and unexpectedly. They are filled with the capacity to give me a little fright, and I notice that unbearable.

Reynholm v Reynholm [four.vi] [edit]

Moss: When I was eleven I broke the patio window and my female parent sued me... She'southward always been a very ambitious litigator.
Douglas: Two hundred and twelve 1000000 quid? You can't be serious!
Solicitor: Oh, we're quite serious, Mr Reynholm.
Douglas: Merely that's plenty to bring Reynholm Industries to its knees! Bloody smash, this is upwardly my arse!
Solicitor: That is the amount, it is not up for negotiation.
Douglas: Balls from hell, you lot shit-twins!
Solicitor: Calm down, Mr. Reynholm.
Douglas: Bollocks to exist telling me to calm downwardly, my erstwhile chap. She wants 220 titty million quid and you tell me to calm down! You're fired.
Guess: Mr Reynholm, are y'all set up to kickoff your cantankerous-exam of Mrs. Reynholm?
Douglas: I am, your laurels, but rest assured, it will a normal examination. I am not in any way cross. [To Victoria Reynholm] Y'all are Victoria Reynholm, are you lot not?
Guess: Mr. Reynholm, nosotros have already established that. Might I advise that you attempt less to do an impression of a lawyer you once saw on television and make your example as simply as you maybe tin can.
Douglas: Wise words, my learned lud.
Douglas: Your proper noun is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Moss: [Mumbles, nods frenetically]
Douglas: [In aforementioned tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it non?
Moss: [Nervously lifts a drinking glass of water] Bit nervous, so, yeah, fleck of h2o. [drinks the water, and spits it into his hand] Fizzy, it's very fizzy, it'southward fizzy, information technology's gone fizzy. [grabs the microphone and gets a daze] Yow! Come up on! That's electric, there'south electric in there, got a daze.
Douglas: [In aforementioned tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Moss: Information technology is not. Sorry, yeah, sorry, um, my mother sued me.
Judge: Just relax, take your fourth dimension and answer the questions every bit clearly equally you can.
Moss: Give thanks you, my dearest.
Douglas: [In same tone as before] Your proper name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
Moss: [His chair collapses] The chair's faulty. [lifts the chair dorsum up, but falls off information technology as he sits downwardly]
Douglas: No further questions, my lord.

Series 2013 [edit]

The Internet is Coming [2013.1] [edit]

Moss: [Jen enters room] Oh Jen, exciting news! I've just uploaded the second episode of my board games review evidence! Care to have a wait.
Jen: [Looking displeased] That was fast. Seems like only yesterday, we had to sit through the last one.
Moss: [Incredulously] Information technology was three months ago!
Moss: I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.
Douglas [laughs] Book recommendation? I can't read!
Roy: [points at java] Expect at that shit! Await at it! I can't - how am I supposed to drink - it looks like he milked a cow over it!
Roy: [Angrily] That fella shouldn't be immune to exist a barista!
Jen: Why non?
Roy: Because he's too small Jen. He's conspicuously too small to be a barista!
Jen: [Looks at Roy and shakes her head]
Roy: What?
Jen: Yous're being a bit of a pocket-sized-person-racist Roy.
Roy: [Shakes head] A pocket-size-person-racist? That'southward not a thing.
Douglas: What's your beef with the homeless?
Jen: I don't have any homeless beef.
Douglas: Ah, and so information technology'southward women y'all detest! Well, that I can empathise.
Roy: Wait, yous record our emails and tape our phone calls?
Douglas: Alright, dry your optics Bono. If you lot've got zero to hide, yous've got nothing to fear.
Jen: I would never throw java over a homeless woman.
Roy: And I would never abuse a small person. Certainly non plenty to brand a van with tits hit him. [beat] Although, I suppose I sort of did.
Jen: I sort of did my one too.
Roy: Information technology's frustrating that we did both of our things.
Douglas: Alright, I was young in one case. But if this got out it could deeply damage Reynholm Industries ability to make that product that we make.
Douglas: What the hell were y'all thinking? I told you to keep a low contour and you lot do it once more!
Jen: No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr Reynholm.
Douglas: Bum your excuses! Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold. We're not News International, for Christ'due south sake!
Roy: [On going to a funeral] I'm gonna have to look convincingly deplorable for the majority of the day. She's not going to expect me to cry, is she?
Moss: No.
Roy: What if she does? I can't cry on cue! What do I do then?!
Moss: Practice what I do when I need to cry: use a mild pepper-spray solution.
Roy: At present that make sense! See, that makes more sense than having to feel something!
[...]'
Roy: [Holds canteen of tear liquid suspiciously] What's in hither?
Moss: [Shrugs] Just Tabasco, wasabi, and a bit of tear gas.
Roy: Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes.
Moss: Information technology's extremely balmy. It's mainly h2o.
Roy: [Nods and puts information technology in his jacket] Okay I'll take it, equally a last resort.
Moss: [Shrugs] As a final resort.
Roy: In instance I discover myself out of my emotional depth.
Moss: There you lot go.
Roy: [Begins to walk off] Alright, cheers Moss!
Moss: Bye!
Roy: Bye.
Moss: [Begins to work on something else, then stops] Oh, don't forget to add the water! [Only Roy has gone]
Roy: Small-scale people are not a race. This isn't Game of Thrones!
Jen: I tin't believe she's nevertheless with you.
Roy: Yep, I suppose. But I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen! I think I'll only become through it as long as aught else bad happens. [The phone on Roy's desk starts ringing] In that location's the phone now...
Roy: [casually] Hey babe.. Yeah, of course! Yeah, admittedly. OK. Bye-Bye!
Jen: She left you lot?
Roy: She did.
Jon Snow: As the identities of Coffee Toss Tramp Bowwow and Pocket-size Person Racist are finally revealed, we at Aqueduct 4 news enquire: What the Hell is wrong with people?
Roy: Are you wearing women's slacks?
Moss: Yes I am!
Jen: Run across what we can do when nosotros work together? With my business acumen..
Moss: ..And my scientific know how..
Roy: ..And I'm also here..
Jen: ..Nosotros can do anything!
All Three: Aye [Bound in cliché excitement]

External links [edit]

Wikipedia

  • Official website
  • The IT Crowd quotes at the Internet Movie Database

braunsteinfinece1954.blogspot.com

Source: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_IT_Crowd

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